I feel like I should start this post off with Dear Diary because it's that type of update. I had an ah-ha moment today and realized that I don't think I believe in happiness anymore. Let me explain. For me, I have always viewed happiness as a state of a consistent and constant being. Not that ups and downs can't happen, but the general tone of life is the fulfillment of being happy. Now I don't know if through MY life's ups and downs that I somehow tainted and ruined the word "Happy", but it is now a trigger word for me. I think I used or at least pursued this happiness "high" for so long, that it has left me vexed and looking at the state of being with a side-eye if you will. It has now become a word that means a lesser state for me because I identify it with the pursuit of the unattainable. Don't worry, all is not lost. Interestingly enough I discovered another word that was more fitting...Love. I know it will sound corny, seeing that the name of this blog is Finally Loving Life, but there seems to be a different way of viewing that statement during every transition my life takes. I had an emotional day today and I decided to slow down and take my time handling all the tasks/errands I had to accomplish. I wanted to be present in my day, to enjoy all that I was going to do and not just rush through the day frantically just so I could say it was done. I was in the middle of a very basic errand, grocery shopping, and I felt this overwhelming warmth. It felt cozy, comforting, and peaceful. And although I went through the various emotions that shopping in a crowded grocery store during a pandemic could bring, the feeling never left. In my mind, I was trying to put words to this feeling, something to help me identify it. My mind brought up the word happiness, out of habit I'm sure. (Talk about constantly trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Sheesh.) I immediately rejected it because happiness to me now seemed like something that was fleeting and not stable. As I rejected this word, the word love rose to the surface. Yes, this was love. The love of being so present that I wasn't working against an invisible current but was working with whatever the atmosphere presented at any given moment. It made me feel stable, confident, secure, nurtured, and seen. That, that right there, I love it! Whatever it is, I love it and it felt like it loved me. Maybe after finally loving life, I'm learning how to allow life to love me back and in the way that it wants to. I'm not sure if that is even possible, but for now and until further notice, I live in love and not the pursuit of happiness. It feels better this way and it feels right. I hope everyone has an amazing week!
- Finally Loving Life (and life loving me back!)